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spam - vin.

[Where he is exactly doesn't come immediately to Stark. He's not sure if this is another illusion - some more hoodoo Mason's managed to throw his way somehow as a last ditch failsafe effort - or he really is dead for sure this time. Death isn't exactly what he expected it to be though, he's gotta be honest.]

[He lies there for a while on the floor, watching the room spin around him and slowly, it dawns upon him. He's in his room - his old room with Alice - but Alice isn't here. She isn't popping up with some crytpic advice or dying in front of him. He's just here in this room by himself. He's back on the Barge. So he did die. Sorta. He still hasn't quite figured out which it is with this place and death, especially now after his latest venture in Hell.]

[Speaking of Ventures, he should find Vin.]

[Stark squints up at his ceiling for a moment before slowly pushing himself up to his feet. He can't remember ever feeling this weak before and feels himself over for any sign of injury. Of course, there's nothing there but the cool metal of Lucifer's armor.]

...Fuck, [he mutters and starts making his way across the room to the door. He takes a small detour to one side, feeling extremely woozy and dizzy. Stark grins crookedly imagining he probably looks as bad as he feels. Maybe he should grab a shower and then find Vin if only not to assault her with the smells of Hell first thing. They might be closer to him than Vin anyways and he doesn't fully trust his ability to walk a straight line if his progress to the door is any indication.]

[He manages to get about as far as outside the door before the edge of his vision goes just a little too black and he feels the floor shifting to a different plane of gravity than he's used to.]

[Maybe he'll take a nap down here instead. The floor is cool anyway and he seems to be holding it down. He'll really have to see about turning down the thermostat Downtown when he gets back though. If he gets back. So, without moving a muscle, Stark adjusts his plan. Nap first, then Vin or shower second.]

spam - open.

[Eventually, Stark can get Vin to go away. It takes some doing, but she can't sit there all day and Stark won't let her. Besides, he doesn't have any intention of cooling his heels in the infirmary for long.]

[He's feeling a little better from swooning just outside his door which means he's good enough to not be there by his logic. This logic, of course, is inherently flawed, but logic's never been Stark's strong suit even on a good day. So, he pushes himself out of bed and makes his way to the inmate showers though there are plenty of times he's stopped, leaning on a wall in the hallway. When he does get to the showers, he doesn't bother to strip or even close the curtain, just turns it on and sits. After being covered in dirt, blood, what he hopes was mud, and everything in between, Stark's relieved to just feel the water for a while. He alternates between just sitting with his eyes closed and spacing out looking at his new bug-machine arm trying to determine just what the hell this week has been for him.]

[Maybe it's stubbornness. Maybe it's stupidity. It's possibly both. But Stark doesn't head straight back to his cabin. Instead, he makes his way up to the deck. Lying down on a bench, he opts to dry out here than sit and stew in his cabin. Not that he isn't still stewing, but it's a more public stewing if only because he can't quite figure out if he's exhausted or restless yet.]

[And, of course, at no point has he bothered to cover up Lucifer's armor, but he does keep his new left arm as tucked away as possible.]

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[He's back.]

[She knows he's back when the earring, which she keeps in her pocket most of the time, which is in her pocket now, grows warm and presses against her thigh. She knows he's back, too, because her hands clench into fists at her sides. Somehow, something in her feels him. Maybe she can hear him cursing. Maybe it's something else.]

[Either way, she moves so fast she almost blurs, her feet pattering on the floor like raindrops on a roof. She is at his door before he loses consciousness, through it a second later, and by the time she's crouching at his side it's mere minutes since he arrived back in the first place.]

Stark, [she says, shaking him by the shoulder. Then, shaking him harder, raising her voice:] Stark!

[She wrinkles her nose. He does smell.]

[At first, Stark is entirely resistant to any idea of consciousness and actively resists it. But if there's one person who can make Stark do things he doesn't want to do, it's his warden. He opens his eyes slowly, closing them again and squeezing them tight enough to create little dots and shapes against a black canvas before he tries that again. Vin's still a little out of focus over him, but he thinks that's as good as it's going to get for now.]

[It's enough that he can revise his plan to Vin first, nap second, and shower third at the very least.]

[It takes a moment before the words in his brain can reach his mouth. At first his jaw moves but with no sound until he frowns as he both doesn't understand why there's no sound and he's somewhat forgotten what it was he was going to say. It's good to see Vin. It'd be a little better to see Alice. It'd be even better to see Candy. He thinks he'd go running back into hell if it was Kasabian, so he's happy it's Vin. But all of this, of course, gets muddled in that he knows she's expecting likely some kind of explanation as to why the hell he's in the state that he's in and that's a somewhat long and complicated story.]

[Finally, after some thought and effort, he manages words slowly.]

...I uh...I think I fucked up a little bit.

[The first thing she saw was Stark, just Stark. But as he struggles to bring himself back to wakefulness, she takes in the details - the big details - all around him. The armor is a big neon warning sign. The arm is, too. Her eyes get big and wide for a moment while he's figuring out how to focus.]

[Then they just get angry.]

[After all of this, all that they've done, all that he's done to pull himself together - now, after all this time, he's Lucifer. She could kill him. He threw all their work away like it didn't even matter. How dare--]

[But that's not quite right, is it? He's not Lucifer like he was. Not evil. Not cruel. She can hear it from the single sentence he gives her: he's still the man he knew.]

[A fuck-up. An idiot. Her Stark.]

[The anger doesn't die away, but it sits its ass down behind relief for a moment. She hugs him tightly where he's lying on the floor, then cuffs his shoulder hard, the way only a Mistborn can.]

A little bit?

[There's something witty in that head of his about her hugging him and then hitting him, but everything's a little too muddled and sluggish. He needs to stay on point and not get himself distracted in the pursuit of wit right now, so he just grunts and frowns at her.]

He had her, Vin. Mason had her. He had Alice and he was gonna end the world.

I had to go.

[Not even for Alice alone. He knew going down there that he had to save her, sure. Saving the world would've lost a lot of meaning to him if he couldn't get her out of Hell and back where she belonged behind those Pearly Gates. But it was bigger than Alice, bigger than him, and bigger than fucking Mason. And maybe it always was - Stark has always struggled when it comes to seeing the big picture which is why he's always caught with his pants down in situations like the one he found himself in recently - but he finally saw it for the first time as being something more than just Mason and him getting into playground fighting.]

[And hell, he's even considered the possibility that maybe it wasn't big at all. Maybe the pissing contest between Mason and Stark is all it's ever been and they just kept upping the ante because Mason likes to dream big or go home. But Stark doesn't think he could have made himself go back if he didn't look at the bigger picture finally. When it was something small, something insignificant, it was easy to make it not his problem. But the truth is, whether it's big or small, it's been Stark's problem for a while. And he finally took a little damn responsibility.]

So you just became Lucifer?

[She exhales slowly. Patiently. Gathering herself.]

[Then she hits him again.]

[She doesn't know if he understands how people will be afraid of him now. How that will just make things worse for him, for the way he sees himself as some big, bad boogeyman. She doesn't know if he's worried about Ned, but she is, and--Lord Ruler.]

[She pinches the bridge of her nose.]

I thought she was dead. I thought Alice was dead.

Ow, [he says, giving her a very pointed look. The room might still occasionally tip too far to one side over the other, but he can focus enough on her at least to do that much.]

[Not that he would ever expect a gentle welcome back from Vin.]

[Before he can correct her about becoming Lucifer - because he sure as hell doesn't remember signing up for the job - it's the comments about Alice that catch his attention more and that subtle correction seems less important right now.]

What? She was. Is. She is. [There's a pause.] She is dead. But that's just her body. She's not double dead. She's still--

[Words are still a little tricky to process for Stark, so his ability to explain these things in terms that Vin might understand are coming at a start and stop with a lot of fumbling. While he would never exactly wish to have the angel around, he is a little peeved right now that he isn't there. It would be so much easier to just let the angel take the wheel for five fucking minutes while he caught his breath and explain everything to Vin.]

[He lifts his left hand to rub at his face and nearly does until he catches sight of it. Stark frowns at it and lowers it, instead using his right hand. That's just another goddamn thing he'll have to explain.]

Could you just please get me a cigarette and give me a fucking minute? I'll explain everything, but Christ, Vin. I haven't actually slept outside of losing consciousness in days.

[She sits back on her heels, still glaring at him. Glaring at his hand. Glaring at his armor. Glaring at his ow. She doesn't care.]

[She does care. She just doesn't understand why he does this.]

[Sullenly, she scoots towards the bedside drawer and pulls out some cigarettes and a lighter. Then she throws both of them at him, because she can be just as petty as anyone, and sits down leaning against the bed with her knees tucked up under her chin, arms wrapped around them.]

One minute.

[Normally, Stark might have a little more patience for this. It's not like he hasn't earned her frustration or exasperation fully. But after the past couple of days he's had, he can't help but feel how particularly childish she's behaving by smacking him and tossing the cigarettes and lighter at him and feeling equally frustrated and exasperated.]

[He reaches for the pack and the light, grabbing them before moving himself to the wall opposite Vin. She might as well not even be in the room as he heaves himself up to a sitting position and lights his cigarette. He takes that full minute in complete silence, alternating between puffing on his cigarette and staring at the cherry if only so he doesn't have to look at her sulking (or what he considers to be sulking) at him from across the room.]

[Times like this, it feels like his whole life is one big mess that he constantly has to explain or validate to someone. And he's so sick of explaining. But he only asked for a minute so, due to the lack of an ashtray - and not trusting his coordination to lean for his boot - he puts his cigarette out in his left hand.]

Okay, [he says, looking back up at Vin.] Hold off on the hitting and hurling furniture until I finish, alright?

[Stark pauses, but he's not really waiting for an answer so much as trying to find a place to start. It's easy to talk about the results. He sorta ruined Eden. And Tartarus. He killed Mason. He made sure Alice was safe. The angel is out. It's not so easy figuring out how to explain how he got there or why he got there. Those aren't things he thinks he could tell Vidocq or, if he was really drunk, Kasabian, or even Candy who he trusts with more about himself than he does anyone else now.]

[But he knows if he started bitching about something like that to Mustang Sally, she'd be sending him to a gas station to buy a map. Those things aren't meant to be easy to talk about. If they were, he'd either have a severe fucking problem - more severe than any of his current problems - or he wouldn't be here with Vin in the first place.]

I didn't go Downtown just to save Alice.

It's been a few months since the problem with all the zeds. There, I mean. Since I found out Mason was playing tea party with Lucifer's old generals. And I wasn't doing a fucking thing about it. I should've gone there sooner. I should've put Mason down the minute Lucifer told me what he was up to, but I didn't.

[It doesn't take very long before Stark taps out another cigarette from the pack and lights it.]

I couldn't do it. I'd try, but I couldn't even step through the fucking door, Vin. And while I was busy trying to get my balls out of my pocket, Mason was raising an army and gearing up to take out Heaven.

[He shakes his head, taking a long drag off his cigarette, silent for a little while.]

A few months ago? Before the whole zed thing? I might've just saved Alice and waited out the end of the world with her. I didn't give a fuck whether I lived or died or if the whole goddamn universe came crashing down around me. You know that.

But... I don't know, Vin. I don't know if it was you harping on me and trying to turn me into a real boy or if it was a cute girl stabbing me in the chest and letting me get the choir boy under control, but I changed my mind. I decided that this thing between Mason and me had gone on long enough and I wasn't going to spend however the fuck longer I manage to stick around waiting for him to fuck things up for me and everybody else anymore.

So, I went down there to save Alice and the world. But I really went down there for me.

[She listens, prepared to hear a lot of nonsense. Mostly that's what he tells her. And even if it's become more palatable bullshit lately, she's in no mood for it.]

[Instead, what she gets is something almost reasonable. There probably wasn't a great plan, and he probably didn't put much thought into what happened, but there are some things you can't change about yourself and impulsivity is one of them. She should know.]

[What it sounds like is that he did something for the right reason, for once in his life. It took him a while to get there, but he did it.]

[Now if she can just get him to do it again, she thinks, and she doesn't smile, but she does sit up a little straighter, regarding him with less irritation and more care.]

Did it work?

Well, the universe hasn't completely fallen to shit, [he replies with a short, self-deprecating laugh.] So for all intents and purposes, yeah.

[Some of the details aren't exactly what even he could honestly categorize as "working." He broke and burnt a lot of things to get there. But Mason is dead and Alice can go back to where she belongs now. He did everything he set out to do. All that was left was getting back home to Candy.]

[Christ, how is he going to pull that off with the angel out and about?]

St. James flew the coop though. Mason sorta managed to kill me before I killed him.

[Maybe Vin will think with phrasing like that, he's skirting around the issue. Maybe she'll know what he means enough that it won't require an explanation he's not 100% certain he even understands all the way.]

He's dead?

[She didn't think angels could die. Truthfully, the rules about Stark's world confuse her a good portion of the time.]

[She's not sorry to hear it, though. Part of Stark or not, she didn't like St. James one bit.]

[Sorta to her means kill him enough that the angel died, but Stark didn't. She isn't sure, though; she'll ask him about that later. Right now:]

Congratulations. On saving the world. [Her voice is only a little flat, and only because she knows there has to be a catch.]

You can throw me parade later.

[Not that Stark feels like anything he's done is necessarily deserving of congratulations. It isn't because of the destruction that came along with his success so much as that it doesn't feel like he really won anything. He might have put the issues between him and Mason to bed, but it's like scraping dog shit off your shoe only to step in a cow patty a few minutes later.]

Later.

[Her lips twist, her body language going tight and unreadable. It's clear she's anxious, but beyond that she closes herself off.]

Once you've told me what else is wrong. What you do now. What you . . . want to do.

[He knows Vin has nothing but questions for him. It's in her nature to question everything. It's not a bad kneejerk response given Stark's propensity to avoid saying much of anything. But he also doesn't have all the answers to all her questions.]

[So, he just chooses to focus on what he can answer rather than what he's turning up empty-handed for.]

I might have broken Tartarus. And by "might have" I mean I basically punched my way through it back up into Hell.

[Despite herself, she smiles a little, looking down at her feet instead of at him.]

Why do you break things so much?

[It's how she says she loves him. Because she does. Even if she's still angry, this is one of those moments that reminds her unequivocally that he is her friend, her inmate, her family. Nothing and no amount of anger will ever change that.]

[From anyone else that would be a legitimate (and incredibly fair) question to ask. But Stark knows Vin well enough by now to know it's not, to get what she's really saying.]

Hey, I gotta be good at something, right?

[Which is to say he knows and he tries to give back what he gets because truth be told, he's glad he has Vin in his corner. He knows that she doesn't have to be and he wouldn't blame anyone for choosing not to be. But Vin chose differently.]

At least you practice a lot.

[She wrinkles her nose again, tucking her chin on her knees and regarding him with careful scrutiny.]

You should probably shower.

Yeah, I'll get right on that. Just as soon as I can stand straight again.

[He isn't even being remotely sarcastic either. Stark hates the smell of Hell. It's not something that exactly washes off, but anything he can do to speed up the process of smelling less like hellfire and brimstone is okay by him.]

[He frowns. Normally by now, he'd be feeling better. It looks like he lost more than just a nagging voice in the back of his head and freaky angel vision.]

I never thought I'd say this, but I am already kinda starting to miss St. James.

[How much weaker he is without the angel around remains to be exactly seen, but if this is any indication, it's going to suck. A lot. It's almost enough to deal with listening to his preachy bullshit.]

I'd miss him less if this thing's batteries were working though, [he says, tapping on Lucifer's armor.]

I can ask for the armor to get - turned on, or something. If you want.

[Now she looks at him through her hair, not coy but a little shy. She's never quite figured out how to talk about St. James in the right way.]

I thought you hated him. Are you--

Is it lonely? [Being alone in your own head like that.]

[Hate is maybe a strong word. Maybe. But some days, Stark thinks he's swung that way as far as his feelings about the angel that was rattling around in his head are concerned. Maybe that's a little fucked up to hate something that he's come to assume is (or rather was) inextricably part of him.]

[Okay, it's a lot fucked up. But nothing about Stark's life over the past decade has been anything less than short of fucked up.]

Lonely? [Stark shakes his head and then subtly puts a hand on the floor to keep from tipping over. He should probably refrain from too many head movements until this dizziness passes.] No. It's not lonely. I mean the jackass was quiet up until I got bit and he decided to take me down the choir boy route.

But I mean without him, I'm just...

[He actually doesn't know what word should come next. Just what? Just Stark? Just human? Just a monster? Just out of excuses? Stark can't figure out which is right. Not that he had all the answers when the angel was around, but at least there was something a little more solid to work with, something he was used to even if he didn't get a name for it until a few months ago.]

[So he just makes a motion with his hand like she should know.]

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