||| 007 private text

[outofclothes]

private - vin.
[There is some minor debate here as to whether or not it was worth it. Shit is very clearly about to start going down and he may not even get it in-time for whatever's waiting around the corner. But if there's one thing Stark's learned through the years, if it's not one thing, it's another.]

[The problem is, he's not asking for something minor. If it was just a weapon or hell even Spiritus Dei, he'd just ask. And Vin would probably concede no problem without question or much prying. Those things don't really matter and, in the end, Stark can get by without. This, though, is no minor favor.]

[Which means he might have to talk.]

[Stark is not good at talking. He doesn't like to talk. He's mastered the art of deflecting and not talking to the point it's a formulaic science that can't be beat. He'd rather read than talk. Actually, he would rather lose an arm than talk. Point is: talking bad, anything else good. But he knows the deal with Vin. If he wants a lot, he has to give a lot.]

[Of course, that doesn't mean he won't try to find ways to avoid talking as much as possible.]

my cabin in five.

[He knows she won't be satisfied with being allowed inside his cabin alone, but it's enough to signal he wants something big and important. And it's enough to send the clear message she shouldn't get greedy and push it either just because he wants something a little more than a na'at or sawed off.]

voice.
I can't believe I'm the one saying this, but have any of you considered--I don't know.

Zen meditation? Yoga? Deep breathing? Excessive drinking?

Comments

spam

[indispensible]

[Not a single flinch. Not in the face of his expression or what he's describing or what's underneath the words he's saying. There is so much under what he says; he says so many stupid, stupid things to hide the fact that he hurts. He hurts desperately. He hurts so much that if she could reach into his heart and pull the pain out of him hand over hand she would do it in an instant.]

[But that's the easy way out, and it won't help.]

[She doesn't flinch or move, she is stone, she is steel, she is still, and when he's done, she nods.]

Yes. There's nothing left for you.

Not yet.

[She has built an empire. She can make a life for this man, or she can die a hundred times trying.]

spam

[outofclothes]

[Stark hates the way she's looking at him and what she's saying. It's because of looks and words like that he's been keeping to himself. He sees Vidocq and Allegra when it's necessary. He sees Doc Kinski and Candy even less. He can barely even remember the last time he saw Mr. Muninn. They say shit like that if he gives them an opportunity and they look at him like that when his back is turned.]

[He can get annoyed with pity or concern. But he cannot fucking stand when people look at him with care in their eyes. That just puts hope in there and then it's quickly followed up by disappointment because that's what he does.]

[And he hates it. He hates letting them down. He hates that every time he lets himself think about her, he can just picture the look on Alice's face if she really knew what he had become. It makes him feel smaller than he's ever felt in his life and he's the ant under the magnifying glass.]

[But he can't be any other way than he is. He can't stop the way he feels. It's not like he likes having to drink himself to sleep at night or that he's constantly stifling the urge to kill something like some kind of fucking addict. Maybe it isn't fair that he won't talk about it to the people who say they want to know, but too fucking bad. He knows they don't really want to know regardless of how much they do or don't care about him. Nobody wants to know that shit. He doesn't want to know that shit. But it's always and constantly crawling around in his head. He can shake it during the day, but when it's night? And it's quiet? When he's asleep? It's impossible.]

[Even if he talked until he was blue in the face about Hell though--about everything he saw and did and had happen to him--it would never let them really get it. Vin thinks she can get it because she saw a memory and because she read a file. Because she's seen some shit. Because she's around him enough to know his habits and the way he acts. But that's not enough to really get it because that's something you need actually under your skin to really get. So, instead, it's just enough to piss him off. It's enough to make him want to break something or bludgeon someone. Which only sends him into a spiral of self-loathing because where the fuck does he get off being pissed at her (or Vidocq or Allegra or Candy) for wanting something more for him? It's childish and selfish. And yet...]

[Being in this room isn't helping with that feeling right now either. He's very acutely aware that he doesn't want to be near Vin or in this room. He needs to get the hell away from both of them. He needs some air.]

[Jesus Christ, if only Alice could see him now. Would she be disgusted or disappointed? Probably both. But story of his life. And either way, he'd rather Vin was looking at him like the way he imagines Alice would be if she were standing right there than the way Vin is right now. He could just say to hell with her then because what the fuck does her opinion really matter in the long-run? He can't do that right now.]

[He just needs air.]

[Stark stands up and grabs his coat, putting it on.]

You can see yourself out.

[He leaves and doesn't close the door behind him.]